First of all, I don't really know what I'm aiming to achieve with this new blog. It's in no way intended to be a guide or advice as to how anyone should be approaching life. We are all on our own path in the end and what is right for one person may be totally inappropriate for another. What I think it really is is somewhere to record my experiences of how counselling and therapy have helped me achieve some kind of contentment, an agreement I've made with the world that we're going to muddle along together just fine.
It might not be any help to anyone, but I know for myself how much comfort I gain just from knowing other people have felt the same way I feel. I spend a huge part of my time wondering how the world sees me. Wondering if it's the me I try so hard to present to the universe. Then I wonder why I'm so frightened of letting my guard down. What it is that I'm so worried people will see? I know I'm a "good" person, I pride myself on being there for everyone, for trying to be kind at every opportunity and for recognising the importance of compassion. But years of getting lost in thought has made me realise I try too hard to be perfect. I want to be all things to all people and somewhere along the way I lost myself. I draw validation from the image other people have of me, and I wish that I was confident enough in my own ability, contribution and worth not to be so, but I'm not. And that's ok.
Over several years, the essence of what I've taken from people's view of me is how grounded and wise they tell me I am, how sensible and 'together' I am. Well, the truth, the truth I find so hard to admit is, I'm not. And I feel vulnerable and laid bare in admitting that. It's how I want everyone to see me, and that is essentially the thrust of this blog. Do we suffer inferiority because we want to be as good as everybody else? Or because we want to be a better version of ourselves ?
Not a single one of us is is a blank canvas. We all have blurred edges, gaps we wish were filled with something just a bit more special. We don't need to be a masterpiece, when a work in progress is so much more exciting. We cling to the memories of happiness, carrying them around with us as symbols of achievement and a reminder that at one point in time we really and truly meant something to somebody, somewhere. But there is control in letting go, remembering we don't have to cling on so tightly. Anybody we've ever cared for, who has cared for us stays with us. Nobody is ever out of reach if they were ever within it in the beginning.
I also think we have something to be grateful for for the painful times. When you're in the midst of hurting, you are desperate for someone to take it away, for it to be gone. Then, when the blackness has lifted and the rawness dissipates, we can start to look for the sun again.There are periods of sadness that in retrospect have taught me an awful lot, and I accept that without them, I wouldn't approach life so philosophically and pragmatically as I try to. After the rain comes the rainbow, after the winter comes the spring and after suffering comes wisdom, and belief in yourself that you've survived something you thought would overcome you.
My personal battle, what I've spent years struggling with is the idea that maybe I'm not the kind of person who can be loved. I worry I'm unloveable. But when I've faced up to that worry, it doesn't seem so bad. If I'm not, then that's just the way life has turned out and I'm ok to just let that idea be. It's out there, but it doesn't consume me. The hardest but most valuable lesson is that we're all just hoping to get through the day with as much happiness as we can find and avoiding the sadness that is always waiting to make itself known, hiding around the corner.
Please take from this blog one thought. You don't have to be perfect to be happy. You just need to be the best you you can be. I believe I'm the most I can be and I try to give out to the world everything I can contribute. That's enough. I've finally learnt that I'm enough.
A wonderfully humbling read indeed. Many people of a sensitive and caring disposition feel likewise.
ReplyDeleteIt's in our very nature to believe that we cannot be loved or feel that any romantic involvement is doomed before it begins.
The acceptance both who we are and what we are is the first step to overcoming this barrier. To me it reads like you have a firm understanding of yourself so please don't dwell on these issues.
You are in my prayers.